How I kept my faith through one of the toughest decisions of my life

 

One month ago I was admitted to hospital completely healthy to be released four days later with five stitched incisions and one less kidney.  I left feeling pain, dizziness, nausea, exhaustion, and pure joy.  I made a decision a year prior to donate one of my kidneys to a stranger.  This decision came after some research and deep soul searching.  You can read more about that here.

After making the decision to donate, there were many times I felt unsure and a little scared about my decision.  I trust this is a normal process for someone donating to a stranger.  I did not have a loved one in front of me who needed a kidney.  I didn’t have anything tangible to keep my decision strong.  I could only imagine if someone I loved was suffering, I would have no second thoughts about giving them one of my kidneys.  I barely knew about kidney disease and I probably still don’t even know the half of what people living with the disease experience.  I’ve never knowingly met anyone in person who has.  I didn’t have a team cheering for me and even after telling my family and friends, we rarely even talked about it.  This decision was mine and mine alone.  I knew if I decided not to go through with it, my family would support my decision 100%.  We wouldn’t have to watch someone become disappointed when they were told the news that their donor was no longer giving them a kidney.  I had to dig deep and rely heavily on my spiritual beliefs and the support of something I could not see.

I chose to trust in the deep urge I had to do this.  When I choose to do something, I almost always see it through to the end.  And this choice came out of nowhere and from the very beginning I had an inner pull guiding me.  The year it took for me to officially decide was purely to ease my logical mind, but my heart knew what she wanted.  I believe in a higher power that some call The Universe or God and also that each and everyone one of us have a Higher Self.  I often turn to this belief to help make decisions and to give me reassurance.

A few really cool examples of signs from my Higher Self that have showed up for me during the past year:

  1. My blood pressure during my medical exam at the donation hospital was 111/60.  I love receiving guidance or assurance through numbers.  Many meanings show up for 111 and this is one of the first sequence of numbers that have shown up for me.  Joanne Sacred has a fun online resource if you are interested in attaching meaning to the numbers that show up in your life.  This was a clear message to me in this moment: “Angel Number 111 also encourages you to assist and inspire the human race via your natural abilities, relying upon your inner-wisdom and intuition to guide you. Be an inspirational guiding light to bring illumination to others and to help raise spiritual awareness. Trust that the angels support you in your ‘lightwork’.”Exactly the message that I needed in that moment.
  2. I connected randomly with some affected by kidney disease.  I fell in love with a company that offered clean living products and would purchase from them when sales would pop up.  My cousin invited me to an online sale that her friend hosted.  I purchased a few items and made a connection with the woman who was selling the products.  We became facebook friends, mainly for ease of communicating in regards to the products.  After a few of my facebook posts about organ transplants, she reached out curious to know what my story was.  I mentioned I was signed up to be a living kidney donor and worked for an organ donation agency.  Turns out her sister received a kidney from her brother and kidney disease and donation is something their family is passionate about.  We now have future plans to connect in person and now share a passion!  Note that I have not met anyone, to my knowledge, that has been affected by kidney disease before this moment.
  3. My surgery date was scheduled for the summer. The process from my first test (summer 2017) to the actual surgery (summer 2018) took much longer than usual as the chain of donors and recipients, I was told, was a complex one.  Trusting in the wait and knowing my healing would be in divine timing had me believing from day one that my surgery will likely be spring or summer.  Historically, I have a difficult time during the winter months as I typically cope with seasonal affective disorder and anxiety triggers surrounding flu season.  The universe had my back once I found out in February that my surgery would likely be scheduled 2-3 months from then.  This was such a blessing and, even better, my surgery was pushed to mid-July allowing me the perfect amount of time to prepare and heal during the best time of the year for me mentally.  Being in nature has made my healing process an absolute joy.
  4. Oracle cards.  These beauties have pulled me out of some dark moments.  The messages resonate with me about 90% of the time in the moment I read them.  If I’m feeling fearful, lonely, or unsure I will pull out a deck of oracle cards, breathe deep and ask from my heart for a message.  The messages always led me closer to love and certainty for my decision.

The most consistent thing that kept me on my path was the reassurance I would receive when I needed it most.  Some nights while laying in bed, I would think about giving up a kidney.  I would think of all the potential risks involved with surgery.  I would think of life afterwards and the thought of  my remaining kidney failing.  I would think of the time in hospital and shortly after coming home and panicked about feeling nauseous, feeling pain, wondering if my husband would be able to take on the extra load of keeping up the chores and taking care of our five-year-old.  I held strong in my decision right up until surgery because every single time I had a worrisome thought come through my head something would happen shortly after to reassure me I was on the right path.  All of the things I mention above and so much more.  It was magical!

I have learned that I can’t control every aspect of my life but I can control how I react and I can choose to believe in a Higher Power.  I can rely on this Higher Power to support me through the greatest and worst times of my life.  The belief holds me strong and allows me to forgive quicker and easier.  It helps me feel supported and loved.  It helps me feel like I have a purpose in this lifetime.  It helps me trust in my gut and believe that I can make decisions that will serve the greater good.  It helps me to learn how to forgive myself for anything I’ve ever felt shame or guilt for.

Have you ever had signs similar to mine?  If not, try asking for a sign.  It can be something simple and fun!  My mom was trying to make a decision before going on a road trip so I told her to ask for a sign like an animal.  She picked penguin.  There are no wild penguins where we live so she knew not to expect to see a penguin in the living breathing form but a penguin in any other form would do.  Her trip lasted one day and she saw two penguins.  One was on a shopping centre sign and the other was a little stuffed toy penguin that a little girl randomly handed her during her visit.

We are always surrounded by love and support.  Ask for guidance and you will receive.

xoRox

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